He Never Touches Me... Thoughts???

I've always been the type of girl who needed physical affection. In the past, I've fallen for a guy behind simple things like hand holding or touching the small of my back. Its always amazing to me how the right touch from the right person can make me forget all about my size.

On the other hand, there are ways of being touched that make me hyper-aware of my size. Like when a man jokingly pats me on the arm with too much force or when a female friend leans her head on me and says "you're so... comfortable!"

One of the things I'm noticing about Robert is that he's not very affectionate with me. I'm used to guys that are eager to touch, cuddle etc. So, at first I thought that maybe he wasn't sure what his boundaries were. I tried to make efforts to be the one to "reach out" but I felt like he was still tense whenever we touched.

I began to rationalize that maybe his family wasn't that affectionate and over time he'd have to learn how to be that way with me. That all changed the other night when my (skinny) friend Kenzie and I met Robert and his brother, Chris, for drinks.

Both Kenzie and Chris are in relationships with other people, but they are also shameless flirts. So, within three hours of meeting, they developed a physical chemistry that Robert and I hadn't achieved in the three months we've been hanging out. Chris rested his hand on Kenzie's leg, Kenzie draped herself over Chris's shoulder and as we walked from one bar to the next, Chris would casually wrap his arm around Kenzies waist.

As I watched them I thought to myself, There goes my "non-affectionate family" theory.

Of course the more tipsy I got, the more I ignored all the other ways in which Robert and I have great chemistry and focused solely on our lack of physical contact.

We left the last bar and started walking towards the train station when my mind began to race:

Why doesn't Robert want to touch me???
If I looked like Kenzie, would things be different???
He's definitely not attracted to me...

I was walking a few feet ahead of everyone, lost in thought, when suddenly I heard Robert yelling "piggyback ride!" He was running up from behind me, preparing to jump on my back. I wanted to scream:

"Are you kidding me? The one time you try to touch me all night is so that I can carry you? No girl wants to carry the guy she likes on her back, what is feminine about that??? Kenzie gets to be caressed and coddled all night by your brother and I get to be treated like a damn mule? This is crazy!"

Instead I winced and yelled "DON'T DO THAT!"

I had never yelled at him before.

"Oh-kay!" he said awkwardly, "I guess you don't like that."

I didn't know what else to say, so I didn't say anything. I know a lot of it is my insecurities and I know that I shouldn't compare myself to Kenzie, but with Robert and I lingering in this grey area everything means something and to me a man gets a piggyback ride from his buddies, not from the girl he likes.

Thoughts???

Curvy Conversations: When Weight Makes Us Wait.

This weeks Curvy Conversation comes from an anonymous reader:

Hi Cece,

I love your blog and your refreshing honesty. You remind me of Carrie from Sex in the City but don't worry you aren't anywhere near as neurotic as she was...LOL.

I see that you battle the same issues with weight and dating that I have. I have always had a battle of the bulge, but I've never been as obese as I am right now. I am currently a size 26 which is down from a size 28. Prior to all of this weight gain, I was never higher than a size 14. I put on all of this weight due to some changes I made in my life some years back when I moved out of state. Since then it is as if my life came to a screeching halt. I always felt as if I couldn't go to a particular place, wear certain clothing etc., unless I lost weight.

Well...some years have gone by and each year I put on even more weight. I have finally come to the sad conclusion that I am fat and may always be fat. But I have resigned myself to at least become fat, healthy, to develop my own plus size style and build my self esteem. I ordered a brand new wardrobe and I am trying to build up the courage to wear my new clothes. I have dressed frumpy for so long now that it has become very comfortable.

The men that approach me these days seem to look downright homeless or they are really old. When I meet a cute guy in my age group, I can't even bring myself to look him in the eyes. Because I am so used to averting my eyes from the men that I don't want attention from. I am suspicious if a man seems like he is attracted to me because I feel like I am reading into the situation wrong. I am so downtrodden from bad relationships that I prefer to sit at home on the weekends and eat tasty food while watching my favorite movies. As you can see, this is doing nothing for me.

I don't expect you to have the answers for me. But please if you can....give me a little assistance so that I can overcome all of this. I would love to get married and have children and while I want to believe that I can find someone who would love me for me....I haven't convinced myself that I will find someone who will love me at this weight.

Thanks

Hello Lovely,

There's so much I want to say-- I don't know where to begin!

First of all... congrats on dropping a size, obviously its not your ideal size, but you're on the way down which is great! Of course, I love that you are making a change in your wardrobe. Getting dressed in the morning should be fun! Of course as PSP's sometimes it takes a little more effort/research/trial and error for us to develop a signature style, but when we look good, we feel good! And the more you feel good about your size 26, 22 or 18 self the more you are going to draw people to you. Its all about being the best possible version of us, no matter what that looks like!

Also, might I suggest that you donate your old, frumpy clothes to the Goodwill? This way your new wardrobe will be your only choice! I say this because it makes me nervous that you think you need courage in order to debut the new you… It sounds like you have a closet full of fashionable, well fitting clothes... so why are you waiting to put them on?

As a matter of fact-- I think "Why Wait?" might be my theme for you.

There are so many things I've put on hold, telling myself that they could happen "next year" once I've lost weight. But then "next year" comes and I weigh more than I did the year before. There are opportunities and events I've passed up due to my size; Now if I said I was going to take that time and go to the gym instead that would make sense, but is that what I'd do? No! I would sit at home and (like you) I would eat. If I really think about it, how many happy moments have I passed up in favor of unhappy ones at home with Ben & Jerry? And how many more unhappy moments have I caused due to the calories consumed during my time spent with Ben & Jerry?

I know for me it was a defense mechanism. I would tell myself "why go out and dance with your girlfriends, no one is going to talk to you anyway..." but I would totally forget that I love to dance! I would rob myself of things I enjoyed because of how other people might react to me. Its a vicious cycle, but its one that can be broken!

The next time an opportunity comes for you to be social throw on one of your cute new outfits and go! Of course you may face rejection or awkward moments (who doesn't?) but you also may have the time of your life, so... Why wait?

Now, lets say that you find it in you to get dolled up and get social. What we can't have you doing is averting your eyes every time a man comes near. This sounds crazy, but you have to force yourself to make eye contact, because the funny thing is-- while you're looking away out of shyness/insecurity, men are looking at you thinking you're unapproachable, snobby etc. Practice in the grocery store, on the bus... wherever. The more you do it, the easier it gets... kinda. To be honest, this is something I need to work on as well (the other night, Robert and I went out dancing and I realized I barely looked him in the face the whole night-- eek!).

Of course the more confidence you have, the more you will attract the type of men that you're looking for. But I have to say, unless you love yourself... love from a man will still leave a void. As hard as this may be to hear; the work begins with you. As you begin to pour love into your own heart-- the man who is meant to love you, at whatever size you happen to be, will come. (this is a lesson I am STILL learning).

Again, the love you're looking for starts inside of you. Take care of you... treat yourself as something precious and any man who meets you will have no choice but to do the same.

xoxo,
CeCe

P.S. I try to keep my neurotic side under wraps, but I'll be a "Curvy Carrie" any day!



Keep the letters coming: nycece@gmail.com

Drop it Like its Hot: The First Ten Pounds

So, last night I got an email from my friend Zora.

Here are the photos from last night... enjoy!

I clicked on the attachments and to my dismay, the photos were less than "enjoyable". My face looked so full, my jaw line all but disappeared. My arms looked huge! And although the dress I had on was flattering, it still didn't hide my stomach as much as I thought it did.

Yuck!

I know I will probably never have a body like Heidi Klum, but I've been smaller than this in the past and I really need to get back to that. This morning I went back to my commitment to drop this weight. I set my alarm for 5:45am so that I could do an hour of cardio.

Waking up early on a summer morning in New York City is actually quite nice. I decided to skip the gym and walk around the park instead, taking advantage of the hills and steps to increase my heart rate. I came home with plenty of time to get ready for work and have been in a good mood all morning.

My plan is to work out five mornings a week, so that I can drop 8-10 pounds in the month of July. I know I can do that (I've done it a million times before).

So, here I go once more... I'll keep you posted!

My (Skinny) Friend is Pregnant....

It was a rainy Saturday and I was meeting one of my oldest friends for lunch. 

Kate and I grew up together and both moved to New York right after high school. While I've spent the years since doing my best to keep my life in order, Kate's luck changed when she was swept off of her feet by a wealthy business man during her shift at a restaurant downtown. Three years later she sits across from me with her second child in her tummy and her first child coloring to my right.

The first time Kate was pregnant, I found myself biting my lip a lot in order to keep quiet and this time would be no different. You see, when a skinny girl gets pregnant, she complains about her body (as she should) but often times her complaints are things I deal with on a daily basis.

"Augh," she cries out "I can't believe I can feel my stomach in my lap!"

"Wow... that's insane" I reply flatly. Then I look down at my stomach which isn't exactly out of my lap.

I don't think Kate realizes what she's doing, the sensations that come with being larger are new to her while I have been used to working around my size for some time. I've committed to being active and not letting my weight or size hold me back, but for Kate her size renders her helpless.

"I'm too hot to do anything... I cant believe I let myself get this big!"

I nod, fanning myself with a menu.

Lately I've been trying to strengthen my core, so I started taking yoga with an instructor who is very sensitive to my needs. She and I make sure that I adjust myself using the blocks and pads provided so that I can get the same workout as anyone else in the room. I cant help but think of this as Kate tells me: 

"My doctor told me to go into 'child's pose' and I looked at her like she was crazy! I mean... my belly was basically touching the floor-- how am I supposed to manage child's pose?"

I decide not to give her a few pointers.

The most frustrating part about having a skinny pregnant friend is when they complain about weight gain... when they gain 80 pounds but still weigh less than you do. Kate's heaviest weight while pregnant is actually a fitness goal of mine. 

Interestingly enough, in the back of my mind, getting pregnant is a weight loss tool. My plus size friends who have had children all boast of how much weight they lost during pregnancy.

I guess life is funny that way.

Um, Are We Dating? (Part Four)

The doorbell rang just as I finished curling my hair.

"Coming!" I yelled as I quickly applied a coat of lip gloss. I opened the door and there was Robert holding a bottle of my favorite wine. He greeted me with a kiss on the cheek and an approving smile.

It was my birthday, and I felt good....

I still wasn't sure where exactly I stood with Robert, but we had been spending a lot of time together and though I hadn't really thought about it this way, I realized that (for once) I had a date on my birthday!

We cracked open the bottle of wine and talked in the kitchen while we waited for my roommate, Molly, to finish getting dressed. Molly has been privy to the Jeremy drama over the past few months and from everything she's heard about Robert, she's on Team Robert all the way. Robert and I were laughing in the kitchen when she strolled in dressed and ready to go. Robert poured her a glass of wine and I sat back as they conversed for the first time.

"I can't believe we're drinking Celeste's birthday present," Molly said between sips.

"Oh" Robert replied, "this isn't her present"

I tried to keep a calm/not too excited face since this was all news to me... I wondered what he planned on getting me. I didn't have too much time to focus on it though because we were going to be late meeting my friends downtown.

We hopped in a cab and zipped down to the Lower East Side where my closest friends were waiting to help me celebrate my birthday on the dance floor. We walked into the lounge and before I could finish introductions, Robert had ordered a round of drinks for all of my friends. My best friend, Adam, looked at me and gave me an approving nod, looks like Robert is just full of surprises!

The night was going well and then something interesting happened. Slowly my friends all started to leave. Usually they will party with me until I am done, but this year they all left whenever they were ready and I didn't mind. I had to laugh as every friend that left leaned over and said something to Robert (i.e. "take care of our girl", "make sure she gets home okay", etc.) each time he assured them that he would and they'd just smile at me and take off. At 2:30am Robert and I realized it was just us and kept on dancing, then at 4am we decided we had danced as much as we could.

After some late night/early morning pizza for him and water for me, we made our way back to my apartment as the sun was coming up. He walked me to my door and while him kissing me for the first time would have made it a perfect birthday-- sadly, that did not happen.

I really can't complain though... he took care of me, made sure my friends were taken care of and I have so much fun when I'm with him... Of course I can speculate from his actions, but it would be great if he could tell me what he's thinking. Where do I stand? How does he see me?

Hopefully I'll find out soon.

A Big Girl Rant: Plus Size Travel

It was 8am and my plane was boarding.

It wasn't till I made my way past First Class (I'm not that fabulous... yet) that I remembered something I forgot to do before this trip:

LOOSE WEIGHT!

Every time I travel on a plane I swear up and down that the next time I fly I will have lost ____ pounds figuring that if I loose enough, perhaps I will get on a plane and not stress about what seat I'm in and how comfortable I (and the people next to me) will be.

First I sit down, trying not to bruise my hips as they slide past the arm rests. I usually choose a window seat because the idea of sitting in the middle seat is just torture and while the aisle seems like a good idea, who really wants their arm banged by a soda cart? Not me!

Next comes the battle of the arm rest. I put it up, to give myself a little more space and 9 times out of 10 it stays there, but then there is that one passenger who tries to push it back down, possibly bruising my hip again! Sometimes they say "oh sorry" and put it back up, but sometimes they don't... which leaves me traveling with an armrest cutting into me for hours (maybe the cart banging into my arm isn't such a bad thing...)

And when I fly home to see my parents? Forget it! They live in a relatively small city and so I'm often on older, smaller jets with seat belts that rarely fit. This means that if the flight attendant notices that I am attempting to sit on/hide my too small seat belt, she will ask me to "buckle up" and then I will have to ask her to look in her little airplane closet and bring me... a seat belt extender!

Usually my Big Girl Rants are reserved for other people, but honestly this one is for me. Every time I travel I go through these things, but the person who has the power to change my experience is me.

I don't have any travel plans involving a plane until the holidays, lets see if I can make the necessary changes so my luggage is the only thing stuffed into a plane.

Curvy Conversations: The Greener Grass

Hello Lovelies, I was so excited when I opened my lonely little inbox and found this email waiting for me. Now we can have a "Curvy Conversation"!

CeCe,

I have been lurking on your blog for a while, and I enjoy your writing, and your honesty and sense of fun. I totally envy you shopping in NY (I live in very rural Canada). I can relate to much of what you write, but not as a PSP. I was a super skinny girl growing up, remain pretty small now, and I have experienced much of the same 'passing over' because I was so skinny (you see, no curves at all are just as unpopular to most boys).

But I have to disagree with your statement on your recent post that skinny chicks can just throw on jeans and a t-shirt and look great. If by great, you mean skinny, then maybe I can give you that point. But, for many of us skinny folks much work is needed to look good/great, too.

I can't leave the house without makeup and hair done without people asking if I'm OK. If I wear the wrong clothes, then I look either anorexic, or like I'm a little girl dressed up in my mom's clothes (ack!), or all sorts of other not so pleasing images that I don't care to picture again.
There are the model types (and we all hate/love them together, trust me) that look good in anything, and everything, and appear to pull off great looks without effort. But I don't know many people like that. (Thank goodness for my self esteem!)

I guess, I just wanted to remind you that there are ignorant people out there that discriminate about all manner of things (no curves, fat, too short, too tall, pimples, red-heads, etc...). And I am not saying that all discrimination and hurt is equal, because only we know the extent of hurt that we have felt.

The best we can do is respect what others feel, and how they want to be treated. And I guess I am a bit sensitive, because skinny does not automatically equate to pretty, or well dressed, or attractive. Skinny gets it's fair share of ugly, too.

- Joy (Canada)

Hi Joy,


Your letter is so eloquent that I really don't have much to add!

I guess while on different ends of the spectrum, you and I have more in common than I would have imagined. We both have to take a deep breath before delving into our closets in the morning. And while you worry about looking super young, at my current weight I feel as if I seem much older. (I've been called "ma'am" for as long as I can remember and have had people think I was the mom of friends my own age!).

I think you've definitely opened my eyes to some things, because I've always looked at extremely skinny women as extremely lucky, never taking into consideration the struggles that come with having a "different" body type no matter what it is. They say the grass is greener on the other side, but maybe its just a different shade....

xoxo,

CeCe

P.S. If you'd like to be featured in "Curvy Conversations" send your questions/comments to nycece@gmail.com